What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
