yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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