I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
