I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
