we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
