she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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