my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Even my vagina gasped.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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