Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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