i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
