is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
