Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
