So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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