Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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