i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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