so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
