dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
