I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
