I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
