she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
