So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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