best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
