I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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