my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
