sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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