I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
