I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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