I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
