I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
