You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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