At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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