He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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