i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
