This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
