So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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