Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Randomize
