My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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