..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
