I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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