she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
