using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
