Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
