My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
