some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
