my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
