There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
