he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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