He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
