He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
