I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
