Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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