he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
