I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
