my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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