How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
